Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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