i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize