turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
