i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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