Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
