clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
