I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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