true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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