I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
