this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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