I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
