First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
