How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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