I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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