I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
