Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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