he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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