Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
