I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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