our cab driver is having phone sex.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
