Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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