Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
