I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
