i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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