fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm too high and old for this...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
