New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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