If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
