Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
