Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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