Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
