Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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