maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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