totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize