U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
