I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
as a side note pls kill me
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
