i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
