I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
