My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
