I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
