Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
