All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
