I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
