I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
