I have demons in me.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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