I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
