I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
