i just sent this text using only my big toe
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
