Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we made out on top of his cat.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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