I'm going to jail i love you
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
