I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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