Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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