I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
