she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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