I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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