So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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