i just sent this text using only my big toe
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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