I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
